There were bean sprouts in his bathroom
by lordvio
Summary: "Disgusting, don't you ever wash your hands? Ptuu, pthuu, eww.." Allen choked. Kanda smiled sinisterly, fluttering his bleeding hand: "Don't you know that I just left the bathroom? I did not wash my hands… plus, there was no toilet paper…"
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** enough said. I do not own DGM, just a ..umm….one, two, three million stalker photos and a pair of Kanda pants.

**There Were Bean Sprouts in the Bathroom**

There were bean sprouts in his bathroom. Everywhere. Kanda blinked. He looked straight ahead. There was no mistake. Small, pale-green, fragile leaves were attached to a similarly pale-green and fragile stalks. Yep, bean sprouts everywhere. Moreover, their number was so great that the room glowed with an ominous, phosphorescent light.

Kanda took a step back. There is some kind of mistake. Yup, yup, it has to be. Yeah! That's it! It's a mistake! He came at midnight from a long two week mission from Tibet, obviously tired, walked into some room (apparently not his) and slept through the night. That has to be true.

He closed his eyes, satisfied. His lips, that usually formed a sharp, knifelike segment, softened. He turned back amused at this side of himself. Even the serious/severe Kanda makes silly mistakes. BUT NO ONE, NO ONE MUST KNOW ABOUT THIS. He left the bathroom, and confidently walked to the door. At the door he paused. Whose room did he spend the night in, anyway? He turned around searching for details that could possibly identify the owner (a.k.a. bean-sprout-obsessed-idiot) of said room.

Hn, it's pretty empty. A bed and some other furniture were the sole inhabitants of the Bean Room. It was dark and cool. Kanda's eyes traveled over the space with scrutiny. Nothing.

Suddenly, Kanda's tongue turned to lead. He felt a horror, a horror that in a fraction of second turned him into a pathetic creature that was shaking like a rag in the hands of a cleanliness-obsessed maniac. In the room, on the nightstand, under his sight, with an offending simplicity, there was an hourglass with a lotus inside.

Kanda approached the nightstand slowly, as if the said furniture would sprout legs and run. He even arched his back, unconsciously preparing for a fight. Yet the nightstand was not impressed. It did not run. It presented the object on its top with an indifference that made Kanda even more uncomfortable. The hourglass stood there purely and simply, as if there were millions of hourglasses with lotuses trapped inside, standing on every nightstand in every apartment of the Dark Order.

The exorcist finally reached the nightstand and picked up the hourglass. No doubt, it was his. Three petals down, ten still up; seems like no one touched it. Kanda sighed, confused. What the hell is going on?

He took the hourglass, turned around, and trying not to look at the bathroom left the apartment.

Kanda felt safer in the dark hall that was as empty and plain as the author's imagination. He closed the heavy door with a small creack . As if to make it rest in peace, he looked at the door with a shudder before wandering away in search of his own room. But the "wandering away etc." part did not happen. Instead of Kanda, there was standing a live impersonation of fury, hatred, bloodlust and other pretty qualities from Pandora's box. On the door, with bold, phosphorescent orange letters was written:

**YUU-chan! Welcome Home!**

Under the phosphorescent atrocity, there was a picture of a rabbit that in real life would have been dead a long time ago because of Natural Selection. It (rabbit) had human face with an eye patch on one eye (he presumed it was an eye; it looked like a plate sized button).

**"LAVI!!!!"** The hall resonated, not so empty anymore. "I'm gonna kill him, then fry him, then kill him, then stab him in the stomach with Mugen, then slowly, oh so slowly I will pull the katana out only to** stab** him in the eye… Then I will kill that fucking bastard!"

With a speed that clearly cannot be described by miles/second ratio, Kanda "approached" Lavi's room. He took out his katana and licked it. He felt the murder in the air.

His eyes squinted into narrow beams of purple light. He knew that behind that door, an innocently sleeping Lavi will meet his death. Kanda sneered; he did not see the two Finders shitting their trousers at the sight of Death Cosplayer (aka Kanda). With a wide gesture, the demon (aka Kanda) took the door down (he could use the doorknob, but then it wouldn't be so dramatical).

"Hn, sleeping so innocently and sweetly, Usagi –chan? YOU FUCKIN' BASTARD! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY ROOM? And why bean sprouts? Wait, that's not the point. YOU MORON, IDIOT *^%$# %^&*()*!!!!!(_The author is an innocent little girl; she does not use such dirty, dirty words!) _

In a moment of enthusiasm, Kanda pulled ferociously the cover off the sleeping silhouette. And remained mute, with one arm holding the sword in a vertical position, and with the other one clenching the bed cover.

From the bed, scared transparent eyes stared at him like a lemur. The person was trembling of fear or maybe because of the surprise attack. The creature was sitting on the bed, with its knees slightly bent. Its mouth was agape and Kanda could even see the pearly teeth. The hair was white, too white, almost like snow. Everything about this thing made him shudder. Creepy. It seemed almost transparent in the moonlight.

That's it. The color of the eyes was the moonlight. Kanda was now sincerely scared. This creature did not seem to be human or akuma, or any of the creatures Kanda had seen so far. A bean sprout. A human sized bean-sprout.

"Bean-sprout?" Kanda's hoarse voice chased away the terrified silence.

He was still standing with his arms raised, like a sorry parody of a Death Angel. Said bean-sprout swallowed hard, and stared at Kanda. It was almost naked, only a pair of short white pants (boxers?) was hugging its small frame.

"W…wha… what ar..arey-y-you d-d-doing …sir?"


	2. Wash your hands,it's dangerous out there

"W-w-wha-what a..are y-you d-d-d-doing ….s-s-sir?"

The pale creature was looking at Kanda's lifted sword with a horror and despair that would make Satan chew his nails in worry. Kanda followed his eyes and stared unconsciously at his own arm. The katana was still there, dangerously leaning toward moyashi's head.

"Che!" Kanda brusquely sheeted his sword. He looked at the Bean Sprout with a scowl. "What the hell are you? What the hell are you doing in Lavi's room?"

Moyashi still stared with his mouth wide open. Kanda felt like a gorilla at the zoo.

"CLOSE YOUR MOUTH, MOYASHI, OR I'LL FORCE MUGEN DOWN YOUR THROAT!!!" Apparently the creature did not like the idea of having some Mugen guy shoveled into its mouth. It jumped off the bed, walked toward Kanda, and with a surprising enthusiasm yelled:

" I AM NOT MOYASHI, WHATEVER THAT MEANS, I'M ALLEN YOU ASS!"

Kanda blinked stupefied for a second. This creature had voice. How disgusting. Not only had it burdened the world with its atrocious appearance, but with its hermaphrodite voice too.

"Che! You can actually talk, monster? How did you get here? "

"I am NOT a monster, YOU, You…YOU JERK!"

The "jerk's reaction was unforgettable. Kanda jumped over the freak, grabbed it by the throat and spat through the knife blades that he called lips with a fury that would make Death ashen and puke blood:

"Oi. Moyashi. Never, NEVER call me by my first name. Got it? If you do… I will imitate Jack the Ripper on you."

"Name? What name? YOUR NAME IS 'JERK'? What kind of parents did you have, Jerk? Even they sensed that something's wrong with you, Jerk-san!! Bwahaha!!! Jerk, Jerk, come home, your mother came! WHERE ARE YOUUUU, LITTLE JERK? COME HOME, SON!!! I bet your neighborhood had so much fun… Hahahahahahghgg…ghghha…"

Moyashi was choking in Kanda's clench. His eyes bulged out like small, white balloons.

"H-h-hey.. Jerk-san, S-s-stop it… IF YOU DON'T WANT MY SALIVA _and blood_ ON YOUR HANDS!" Apparently that worked, because Kanda let go and started wiping his hand using Moyashi's hair as a towel. Che. What a cheap-trick-user idiot! But it would really be disgusting if the saliva of that Creep poisoned him. He only has ten petals left. He cannot be careless now. Che. What a hassle. Still, this creature is in Lavi's room.

"You, there. Your name." The Albino looked at him, irritated. He wasn't trembling anymore. He was standing as tall… as.. five feet four inches. Che. What a loser. Even puberty ignored him . Maybe he (the creep) realized that too and drank milk, and so much of it that he turned completely white. Kanda mentally chuckled.

"What about my name?" The white creep reminded him with poison in his voice. "Are you stupid or you're just pretending to be? Give me your name, idiot. Che. What a waste of my time. Che. Che."

"I ALREADY TOLD YOU, did I not? My name is Allen, you bastard! Are you deaf or something? And what's with 'che'? Can't you talk normally?? You just smashed my door down and nearly scared me shitless, and now, NOW YOU'RE INQUIRING ME? GET OUT. NOW."

The boy stood there, with one arm extended toward the hole that once was a door. He was pointing at it as if that damned hole was the road to Heaven. Che, he even had the audacity to command Kanda. Hn, this will be interesting. Kanda smiled with his eyes looking sideways.

"No." The boy looked at him with despair, still pointing.

"What? WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'NO'? YOU'RE IN MY ROOM!!!! God," he whined with a voice that made Kanda want to scratch a blackboard, "You are so horrible! Don't you have SOME consciousness? Anyway, it's cold so could you GET OUT? I need to dress."

Kanda unconsciously stared at his body. The creature was a boy alright. A skinny one. Hn, this thing either did not eat properly or was feeding himself with air. Che. Even his skin was extremely white. He kind of looked like an old Tooth Fairy. Not that Kanda has ever seen a Tooth Fairy, but he just, well, you know… whatever.

Suddenly, a dark patch of skin caught Kanda's attention. He did not see that before because the room was dark, and the only thing that could be called light was the dusty moonlight. The boy, no, brat's right hand looked like a mix of tree bark, veins, burned skin, and other disgusting things. It just had a shape of an arm. Che. What a freak.

"Jerk? Jerk-saaan? Helooooo? Bastard?Looooony girl-man?" Kanda did not react. He still was staring at that …deformity on Allen's body. The boy giggled.

"Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot, haha, I can say it as many times I want, because you can't hear meeeee!!! Hehe, idiot, jackass, bastarghhggdfg..ghr let…m-me g-g-goo.." Che. Kanda let the brat collapse on the floor with a 'thump'. Somehow, it bothered him. No, not the name calling, he did not care…well, maybe he did. Yup. He definitely did, because he turned around and kicked the brat in the leg.

"My name is Kanda, Moyashi. And don't you dare call me, ever." The boy did not move. He was lying on the floor, in what people would call fetal position. Kanda frowned. He definitely did not like it. He lowered on one knee and touched the brat on the head.

"Oi.. Oi kid? You dead? Thank God, now I feel better…Ouch, you…you bastard, let go of my hand!"

The kid was grinning. Wait, he was biting Kanda's hand, with a grip that would make bulldogs seem like butterflies. "Kanfa? 'atz, a 'ood 'ame? 'z i' no'? (Kanda? That's a good name, is it not?) Allen finally let Kanda go, and spat sideways. "Disgusting, don't you ever wash your hands? Ptuu, pthuu, eww.." Kanda smiled sinisterly, fluttering his bleeding hand:

"Don't you know that I just left the bathroom? I did not wash my hands… plus, there was no toilet paper…"

Kanda could not bear it anymore. His insides were ready to explode of laughter and he could hear his ribcage breaking. The kid looked at Kanda with terror. He touched his lips with trembling fingers.

"You… You what?" His voice was hoarse and broken. (_not because of puberty, don't get your hopes up.) _Kanda couldn't bear it anymore. The laughter was killing him. He could feel the snot coming out mixing with water from his eyes (he never called them tears.) His cheeks were expanding rapidly. He was almost without air when something unexpected happened.

Allen suddenly stood up and left the room through the door hole. Kanda could hear the 'shlop, shlop' of his feet departing. His laughter died. He almost felt guilty. Che. What a bothersome moyashi. Suddenly he heard the 'shlop' again, this time it was running back. Three seconds later, Allen stood in the doorway (now door hole) with his face resembling a poodle of ketchup.

"Can't run in underwear," he said shortly. He took a few steps toward the chair and touched his clothes when a voice called:

"You're an exorcist, Moyashi?" That's right, that unsanitary demon was still there. Allen turned his face toward Kanda, while the moon illuminated his face. "I am not a moyashi, Jerk-san. My name is Allen. And yes, I am an exor.."

The next second, the hall was illuminated by torches, candles, flashlights, and electricity, with people running toward the room in which this fan fiction is taking place. The author was shoved somewhere dark without pity, so she could not record the next two minutes of the action. All she could hear with her huge ears was Kanda yelling at Komui, Allen struggling in the hands of a Komurin___ (insert # here) and Linalee jumping up and down, introducing the new exorcist, Allen Walker, to Kanda.


	3. Chapter 3

When Ordering Soba, Look Out For Rabbits

GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Damnation. Kanda's stomach was cursed again by its owner. But it did not care. It wanted that day's portion of Soba, and damn it, it was ready to get what it wanted. GRRRRRRRR… Kanda sighed. He had no choice. Actually, he was in a good mood, since none of the idiots from yesterday was up and kicking at five nineteen in the morning. The training was perfect, the weather was perfect, the trees… never mind.

A, he forgot. His stomach grred again, it wanted attention, dammit. Che, why the hell do people eat? It takes precious time he could spend training, or search for "that person," or … soba. It wanted soba. Kanda agreed with the stomach. Soba sounded good. Kanda mentally put a statue in the honor of the wise, wise person who invented soba.

The cafeteria was empty. It was Saturday after all. The people in the Black order were not some masochists (_exclude Kanda_) that would force themselves to get up at five Saturday! Duh! Who would? (_Except Kanda_) Che. How convenient. Kanda imagined a bowl of soba in front of him, the scent of it tickling his salivary glands. The tea, (hot, ho sugar) would be there too. It will stare at Kanda like a loving, loving mother and whisper with a warm, cozy voice:

"Drink… me…" Kanda sighed again. He approached Jerry, the PINK COOK that now was drifting off in some land, with some girl, in some room, in some be..

"Soba." "Huh?" "Soba." Oh, Kanda-kun*… Right, soba…" Jerry left the imaginary girl and zoomed to the kitchen. Kanda was waiting. Che . Can he be faster? Kanda felt his stomach grinning is expectation of his beloved, Soba.

"Ha~i, one soba coming!" There it was, so beautiful and simple. Kanda almost smiled. He LOVED everything, the empty cafeteria, the empty halls, the empty training grounds, the empty… He still hated the rooms filled with people, especially invented to piss him off. He extended his arms at the beauty (SOBA) and was pushed face first in the bowl.

"YUUU~cha~n!!" What in the world…. Lavi… It could only be Lavi… That stupid smirk, that stupid red hair, that stupid eye patch…

"GET OFF OF ME, BAKA USAGI! If you DON'T, YOU WILL FACE DEATH IN THREE SECONDS!! Three, twoooo.. ONE!" Lavi was not there anymore. He was against the wall trembling with nervous laughter.

"Yuu-chaaaan, I-I-I-… Did you have a good night?" Now Kanda understood serial killers. They were unhappy people that just KILLED the monsters who ruined their life. Monsters like Lavi, Komui, ____ (insert here the whole list of all 6 billion of people that inhabit this planet.) They must be killed with joy.

Kanda picked off some noodles of his hair and cheed. How bothersome. He still was hungry, and the only thing that could satisfy that right now was unceremoniously laying on his head and shoulders. Che. What a waste. That bastard, he deserved to die slowly, slooooowly, on a pitchfork reddened by fire. Perfect. Hn, hell doesn't sound so bad. Kanda would definitely agree to work there part time, IF he could fry Lavi. He mentally made a note to consult with his career counselor, and faced Jerry for the second time. The cook already was holding a soba bowl with another cup of tea.

"H-h-here you go!" Kanda again, extended his arms to receive the food tray when he heard, no, sensed the Idiot Rabbit standing behind him. The dark exorcist grinned viciously and spun around to grab him by the neck with an obvious intention of killing/making him suffer.

Too bad that the Soba was flying to the floor. The author turned on the Slow Motion Camera, and started recording: Soba whirled around its own axis, once, then twice. Some noodles were still in the bowl because of the centrifugal force; others were flying with the firm decision to rest in peace on somebody's face. In a corner of the film one could see Kanda diving into the concrete floor with a desperate and extremely low pitched "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"

(_The author turned off the Slow Motion Camera. We're back to the normal speed_.)

Kanda twirled around with agony painted with a really broad brush across his face. "Y-y-y-yooou! I WILL KILL YOU! I EVEN WILL GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE TO MAKE A RESERVATION FOR YOU IN THE HOUSE OF THE DEAD!!!!"

"What are you yelling at so early in the morning, Kanda-san?" Kanda stopped. His hand still gripped Mugen, which was slightly pocking Lavi's now open heart. The samurai slowly turned around. His face was covered in popping veins, Lavi's blood, Soba noodles, while a chopstick pierced his cheek. Apparently Lavi tried to defend with it, without much success. Right there, in the empty cafeteria, on that damned spot, with noodles stuck to his face, stood Allen.

He did not speak, did not blink, just stood there like a stupid sheep, looking at Kanda with a disarming smile. He even had the audacity to cock his head, like a flirting missy. Then he changed in a blink of somebody's only eye. His eyes became steely. His face became severe. Even the soba on his head was straightened up.

"You, Bakanda, will pay me for my ruined uniform. And for the cleaning of my shoes. And for my door. And my bed covers…"

Allen stopped, and started searching through his pockets. He took out a folded piece of paper. Kanda knew from experience and his master's lessons that a piece of paper can be folded only seven times. Now, right there, the kid unfolded it 777 times already. In a few minutes the paper covered the cafeteria's floor, like a world map, extra large print edition.

"You owe me these too," Allen said. "Just because you're a bastard does not mean you are irresponsible, right?" Allen smiled again. "Now, be responsible and pay this whole list."

Kanda took an edge of the paper and started to read. Meanwhile, Lavi squeaked under Kanda's boot. The samurai plodded heavily on the redhead with his foot. Usagi stopped moving.

"Hey, moyashi, why is sake listed here? And who's Cecilia? I don….WAIT, you want me to pay your bills? YOU WANT ME TO PAY FOR A LOVE HOTEL, AND DOMPERIDON**? You bastard, how low can you go?"

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I do NOT practice limbo. And, regarding the bill here, you are responsible for it. You scarred my young and innocent soul and mind!"

"Innocent? INNOCENT? YOU BLOODY MORRON, YOU JUST TRIED TO DUMP YOUR DEBTS ON ME AND YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL YOURSELF INNOCENT?" With a pout Allen raised his hand and extended a finger. (_The index, the index, not the middle, not the middle_)

"How rude, I AM innocent! I am only 15 years old! How more innocent can one get?!?"

"Yah, right, you probably already…" but Kanda was interrupted by a low, threatening voice. An ominous Allen was standing in front of him.

"If you do not pay, I will sue you for child molestation, just you wait. Even if I look like this, I worked as a lawyer sometimes to pay off the debts. And those are not my debts; those are my master's debts. Got that, jerk?"

" And you call yourself innocent? Che." Kanda felt powerless. He was hungry, he was dirty, and now he was extorted by a pathetic 15 year old kid. Che. What a nuisance. He decided to ignore the maggot (a.k.a. Allen) and approached the kitchen window again.

"Soba." He watched Jerry spin around, becoming a small pink tornado. Jerry smiled with love.

"Here you go Kanda-kun. This time watch for it, this is the last one I have. You know, Komui is using my bread money (and other funds) to create Komurins and virginity belts for Lenalee. He really has a sister-complex that basta.. no, that highly-revered-by-me scientist. So I am making cuts where I can. Bon appetite, Kanda-kun!"

Che. Still, Kanda was glad. He did not spill, drop, crack, or do something horrible to those noodles. He was ready to enjoy his meal. That made his stomach howl with joy, spin around, and dance tango with the bladder. But Kanda did not show any of those emotions. He was Kanda after all, an emotionless samurai, a lone wolf, a brave warrior, the last Mohican.***

He bravely stepped to his table, and put his food tray down. Nothing. The food did not blow up, spill, rot, or do other dangerous and unnecessary things. He lifted his chopsticks with a sigh. The next moment, Kanda was chewing the wall.

Somewhere, Allen's voice was cursing him with the most un-innocent words that have existed. He was trying to fold the paper back, and wipe Kanda's foot prints off of it. The table was cracked, and the soba bowl was missing. Kanda spat out a brick and looked around with a laser-like gawk. He grinned a toothy, alligator worthy "smile."

Target spotted.

Mission: Annihilate.

____ ____________ ________ __________

Jerry carefully entered Kanda's room. He looked like a thief. Too bad there was nothing to steal; the room was already naked. Jerry sneaked into the bathroom. There, carefully arranged in rows, thousands and thousands of bean sprouts were glowing with a green fragile light.

Jerry smiled. These are the only things that have escaped bill collectors' grasp that loaned the money to Komurin Factory. Jerry smiled. He did not have enough space for them to sprout. Luckily for him, Kanda was on a two week mission in China, or Tibet, was it? Lucky! They already sprouted. Today, he will make a beautiful dish of marinated bean sprouts.

_________________

_***I have no idea of how Jerry calls Kanda. It is pure speculation on my part.**_

_**** Domperidon is some sort of an alcoholic beverage. I heard about it in "Gintama"**_

_***** Kanda is not Indian. I just wanted to emphasize how lonely he is. You cannot get lonelier if you're the last one of your kind?**_

_**Huuuuh, my cheeks hurt. And my stomach. Crap, I have not eaten since morning. Bye!! Have fun!**_


End file.
